So if you're looking to have an orgasmic birth, I'm here. And maybe you'll breathe your baby out in less than 3 hours, I've seen it. And maybe you won't experience your labor as painful, I've had those births too. You are amazing.
But maybe you're like the average mere mortal who finds it extremely painful, scary and scary. And no amount of classes, books or well meaning friends can convince you that pooping in public is OK, and even worse in front of the person you're sleeping with, can convince you its OK. Its not OK with you and you're kind of freaking out but don't want to look like you're not down with the natural birth movement because you're terrified of pooping on the table. To you my dear I want to assure you, I got you.
Maybe you were born at home yourself. And you always knew you'd have a homebirth. But then you met and fell in love with someone who was horrified by the idea so you agreed to a birth in hospital with a doula. And you need a security guard to keep your crazy mom out of your hospital room so she doesn't drive you up the wall. Then at the same time, help you have that natural birth you know you can do. To you my dear, I got you too.
Maybe you really wanted kids and didn't really think about how the baby would get out until now. And you are terrified because you watched a birth video and you silently freaked out because your vagina is not that damn big so how is this supposed to work out? And you have no interest in this long-arm-pit haired natural childbirth movement. You get it, but its not you. And you might want an epidural. Maybe you might get one today just in case. Yes, of course I got you.
Getting pregnant wasn't easy. Its been a long, hard and painful road and now you are still scarcely breathing afraid to exhale. You've come to the doula concept late, afraid to ask for anything more than just a baby. But now you are nearing the end and everything is OK and you're starting to think about wanting maybe a little more for yourself in this experience. Non-judgmental support would be great. Its OK, I totally got you too.
Or maybe your mom had three c-sections and now you're planning a homebirth. You want her there to share the moment with you. But you're a little scared because of the stories, its unchartered territory. But you're brave and want me as your doula to keep you on your brave warrioress path. You and your partner and your two cats will welcome your baby with a birth tub, candles, soft music, zero interventions, and you want me to make you a placenta smoothie afterwards. Of course, I got you too.