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Dear TTC Moms,
I know you are here. I know you are looking and searching and trying to understand why. Its seems so close and so abundant, everyone is pregnant and having babies, and you are bookmarking my site so hopefully hopefully soon you will get to contact me too. I know. I know because eventually so many of you do contact me. And I get to meet you and hear of the long, windy and twisty road that finally brought you to the motherhood you so desired. So right now, as you are in the thick of the weeds, know that I am thinking about you too. And wishing you the best. And I look forward to hearing your story when you do get here. In the meantime, I want to tell you to eat right, sleep well and take good care of yourself, but you're probably sick and tired of hearing that and I know you're already doing everything. So I will share with you the blog of a dear friend who speaks on fertility, adoption and faith. http://seespeakhearmama.com/2011/05/ Keep on mamas. And I know you are already a mom in your heart. I will see you soon. Much love, Maiysha
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1. What makes you smile? Babies seems the obvious answer. But its seeing you realize how strong and magnificent you are. Seeing you through to the other side of a long labor you never thought would end or believed you'd ever survive. Its the walk home after a late, long exhausting and oh so successful breastfeeding consult with that mom who really felt like she was failing and is now feeling confident. My arms are aching but I also feel strong like I have wings helping me get to the train. 2. What are your favorite things to do in the past? What about now? Be. That deep stillness. Being in the ocean. Being in deep stillness, in big still waters. And now, I find that in labor. It gives me deep, calming, self-regulation to support women in labor. 3. What activities make you lose track of time? Births of course. Writing. My meetings with my clients. Supporting the doulas who I mentor, either our meetings, phone calls, emails, texts, etc. 4. What makes you feel great about yourself? My work. My kids. Yes work first because working is easier than parenting. 5. Who inspires you most? (Anyone you know or do not know. Family, friends, authors, artists, leaders, etc.) Which qualities inspire you, in each person? All the moms I work with inspire me. The strength and courage I have been so blessed to have witnessed. 6. What are you naturally good at? (Skills, abilities, gifts etc.) Doula-ing. Breastfeeding support. I'm also really good at cleaning, writing, drawing. Being comfortable in diverse spaces. 7. What do people typically ask you for help in? Birth, breastfeeding, parenting boys, interracial hair care. Healthy meal preparation. 8. If you had to teach something, what would you teach? Breastfeeding. But I wouldn’t call it teaching. I'd call it supporting. 9. What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life? Not exercising more. Not somehow being a better parent. It was the doula thing but I'm doing that now so the bucket list got shorter. 10. You are now 90 years old, sitting on a rocking chair outside your porch; you can feel the spring breeze gently brushing against your face. You are blissful and happy, and are pleased with the wonderful life you’ve been blessed with. Looking back at your life and all that you’ve achieved and acquired, all the relationships you’ve developed; what matters to you most? List them out. That my children turned out well. All the many women and babies I have helped and how that love has spread out into the world.  Karilyn Sanders Photography offers newborn portraits for the discerning New York mom. In-home photo sessions and professional hair and makeup for mom make it as simple and stress-free as possible to document your baby's first days of life.
Visit www.karilynsanders.com for more information. My resources page has grown so much thanks to the many amazing resources available to new families in NYC. All of my resources listed on my website are hand selected and come highly recommended. I encourage you to use them! "What happens if you're at another birth?"
Ah yes, the million dollar question. The simple answer is its rare and if it does happen, I will send amazing backup. It's really not something to worry about. There are so many unknowns in birth, this is one of the few you can actually depend on going as planned and chances are you will get your chosen doula. Life is always unpredictable, so granted we never know. My intention is be at all of my births and I do my best to schedule accordingly. I rarely see my client's doctors at their birth, but I'm there. And chances are, if backup is needed, it happens more often for other conflicts, like hurricanes, terrible illnesses, and the like. I rarely even miss everyday events for births. They're only a few per month so the odds are in our favor. That said, what if it does happen? Well, if it does happen, you will get to peak into the secret life of doulas. We doulas network together not only for backup. We, or at least in my experience as a doula, lean on each other for emotional support, mentoring, childcare, hot meals, back rubs, friendship, birth support at our own births, an understanding ear, and yes, backup support. Most of my best friends are doulas and if needed I would choose one of them. I would choose one the women who I love dearly and hold close to my heart in my daily life that I trust enough to send to my client. It's pretty amazing to have the kind of friendships with other women who would get out of their bed in the middle of the night and leave their families to go serve a woman they have never met in her labor. These are my people. And I do the same for them. When I get called for backup, I kind of love it. I know the other doula is concerned about her client, I know the client is probably apprehensive, so I better be even better than great and put everyone at ease immediately. It feels so very special and communal to be in such an amazing circle of women doing such important and timeless work. So if you do get backup, know that you will get a peak into the secret life of doulas, into the amazing, loving network of women with which I work, learn, grow, and laugh with, and support so many amazing women during this so very amazing time with. Good to know. And it probably won't happen anyway, because I am planning on being at your birth! Why is birth so hard???
Birth is one of the few things we do today that is natural. Whether or not you get an epidural and/or c/s, it is natural and primal to grow a baby inside your body and get it out of you somehow. Nothing else in our lives (OK maybe some of you but not most, myself included) is natural anymore. The completely natural primal human is hunting, fishing, farming, foraging, living off the land, all with handmade tools they or fellow tribespeople made themselves, building their own living structure to protect against the elements, and fashioning their own body coverings from what they can find or kill themselves. Ummmm, anyone doing any of those things? I sure am not. We have made our lives very far removed from what is a truly natural lifestyle for human beings. And some people still live that way, but if you are reading this, I'm guessing not so much. But birth, your birth, may be the first truly natural primal thing you've done in a long time. Perhaps ever. Besides bodily functions, which even those we do neatly with indoor plumping, we are completely removed from what is natural. But then here comes your birth, and damn is it real and natural and all the many skills you have acquired and learned to adapt and be successful and survive in this modern world are falling short of what you need to survive and hopefully enjoy this birth. So what do we do about it? Well I know if I were stranded alone with some land and some seeds and a spear, despite plenty of game and fertile soil, I would probably starve to death. Or maybe a slow death if I could find some berries and they're not poisonous. What I would really love to have there, if I had to be there and couldn't get a ride out to the nearest hotel, would be someone who knew how to do this. Preferably someone who had grown up living off of the land. Someone who knew how to make food grow out of the ground and how to hunt and trap. And my husband can be there too because I love him and we're in this together, but he really doesn't really know about any of this either so lets be sure and get some experienced help. And then, I know it would still be hard, but at least it would be doable and we'd have a much better chance of survival. And I would want my guide to be really experienced, and nice, someone who knows about surviving droughts and hurricanes and all that stuff. Someone who won't make me feel dumb for not knowing any of this. Or for asking questions. Kind of like, well you know where I'm going with this. Natural is hard. Get some help. I can help you. :) It only makes sense to get help when going somewhere new, doing something new and even better when its experienced help. And the more important the experience is, like survival, or the birth of your child, the more important that you align yourself with the best resources to make it as positive an experience as possible. What about epidurals??? Then comes the next part. To epidural or not to epidural. I am the type of doula and person who really supports all choices in childbirth, parenting and life in general. This event is so deeply personal and its so important that each woman feel supported in her decision. That said, if you are not sure, here is my opinion to help you. Yes there are medical risks to getting an epidural. But I'm not going into all of those here. You can google that to learn more. I want to dispel the myth that if you get an epidural you can't move. You will be limited to being in the bed by the hospital protocol and all the attachments, but you will still have some if not nearly all mobility in your legs. You are never "strapped down" to a bed. On an epidural there are many accoutrements that go with it. Namely: a blood pressure cuff that stays on and goes off automatically on a set time, probably every 15-30 minutes, a contraction monitor (internal or external), a fetal heart rate monitor (internal or external), a pulseometer on your index finger monitoring your pulse and blood oxygen levels, a urinary catheter (because you won't feel the urge to pee and you'd otherwise distend your bladder), possibly an oxygen mask (if needed, and the O2 mask is not just for moms on epi, anyone can get one if needed), an IV in your arm/hand and of the course the epidural itself which will be a catheter (tiny plastic tube) in your spine taped to your back. OK, yes that is a long list and a lot of stuff attached to you. But for the mom who wants pain relief, its not a bad trade off. You can still move around in the bed, and myself and your partner will help you detangle with the tangling of all the cords. I will also suggest positions and position changes on an epidural to help facilitate progress. But why would anyone get an epidural if its so much trouble and a has to be inserted with a needle in your spine??? Well my friends, the answer is very simple. Because many, not all, but many women experience childbirth as painful. And if a woman chooses to lessen that intensity, that is her perogative. But she will miss the high that Ina May talked about! Yes, I agree, she might. But to this I say that is again her choice. There are many highs in this life to choose from. Some people choose to deliver naturally. And many of my clients have delivered without an epidural and are grateful to have had that experience. And it does come with fewer risks when you deliver with less to no interventions including no epidural. And some people choose to grow their own food. And I'm sure that when I buy food labeled organic at Whole Foods, I know its not really all organic. Maybe some of it. And I know I would probably add years to my life if I grew my own food. Then I would really know what I was eating. And I know there is a joy and a high to doing so that I just won't experience. And that is OK with me. I also know there is a high to running the marathon. My friends who have run have told me its amazing. And I completely believe them. But as much as I love running. 3 miles is good for me, 4-ish miles is my current max. And I bet there is some amazing primal feeling going on with hunting and fishing, but again, not my thing. Giving birth, I loved it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I want to help you have great births too! We all define "great" differently. I'm here to help you discover what great means to you for your birth. Having now seen over 140 births and seen many women choosing to epidural or not epidural, I'd say they all chose what was best for them at that time. And all of them love their babies. I totally understand that we are all choosing what challenges we want when. So if your goal is to get through this birth naturally, I totally support you. And if you just want to make this birth a little easier with a little epidural at the right time, I totally support you too. We all choose what monumental feats we want to tackle when. There is no wrong or right way to go about it, only what works for you in the moment as your birth unfolds. Here's to you! Here's to your baby/s! Congratulations and wishing you a beautiful and healthy birth!  Of course I'm here because of my mom. But I mean, I'm here, because of my mom. And all the moms, grandmas and aunties in my life who raised me with their beautiful birth stories that so inspired me to be here today.
I remember my mom telling her story of my birth from a very early age. I loved it. She had a natural labor and delivery at Lenox Hill. She said the yoga breathing my father coached her with got her through. She was so proud of herself. Thats what I loved about the story. I didn't really care how I was born, but I loved her telling of it, of how powerful she felt, and how she felt so big and beautiful and goddess like in the months following with her extra mama weight and breastfeeding. And then there was the other part of the story, of how the hospital was awful. How she knew they tried to slip you drugs, so she fought them. How she refused an IV for fear of it. And how she threatened to leave if they tried to give her an IV. And I love her strength, but I also felt so aggravated and appalled that anyone would be harassing a woman in labor, especially my mom. So she had her natural labor, but she had to fight for it. Then she had to fight for breastfeeding too. They took me away and filled me with sugar water and I came back to her full. Then at home nursing I broke out in eczema and they told her I was allergic to her milk and to not nurse. She refused and did the elimination diet and discovered I'm allergic to cows milk and then as long as she abstained from it nursing me, I was fine. She did then go on to breastfeeding me for over a year. That joy, that pride and strength! And my protective passion for women to birth in total support for any and all of their choices, with respect and love... for my mama, and for all of my moms. That's why I'm here. I always loved birth. Now I get to go all the time and its great. Each birth is so different. I support all the different colors of birth preferences, hopes and dreams. I support all types of women and families give birth with support, respect, and whatever else it is you had on your wish list.
So if you're looking to have an orgasmic birth, I'm here. And maybe you'll breathe your baby out in less than 3 hours, I've seen it. And maybe you won't experience your labor as painful, I've had those births too. You are amazing. But maybe you're like the average mere mortal who finds it extremely painful, scary and scary. And no amount of classes, books or well meaning friends can convince you that pooping in public is OK, and even worse in front of the person you're sleeping with, can convince you its OK. Its not OK with you and you're kind of freaking out but don't want to look like you're not down with the natural birth movement because you're terrified of pooping on the table. To you my dear I want to assure you, I got you. Maybe you were born at home yourself. And you always knew you'd have a homebirth. But then you met and fell in love with someone who was horrified by the idea so you agreed to a birth in hospital with a doula. And you need a security guard to keep your crazy mom out of your hospital room so she doesn't drive you up the wall. Then at the same time, help you have that natural birth you know you can do. To you my dear, I got you too. Maybe you really wanted kids and didn't really think about how the baby would get out until now. And you are terrified because you watched a birth video and you silently freaked out because your vagina is not that damn big so how is this supposed to work out? And you have no interest in this long-arm-pit haired natural childbirth movement. You get it, but its not you. And you might want an epidural. Maybe you might get one today just in case. Yes, of course I got you. Getting pregnant wasn't easy. Its been a long, hard and painful road and now you are still scarcely breathing afraid to exhale. You've come to the doula concept late, afraid to ask for anything more than just a baby. But now you are nearing the end and everything is OK and you're starting to think about wanting maybe a little more for yourself in this experience. Non-judgmental support would be great. Its OK, I totally got you too. Or maybe your mom had three c-sections and now you're planning a homebirth. You want her there to share the moment with you. But you're a little scared because of the stories, its unchartered territory. But you're brave and want me as your doula to keep you on your brave warrioress path. You and your partner and your two cats will welcome your baby with a birth tub, candles, soft music, zero interventions, and you want me to make you a placenta smoothie afterwards. Of course, I got you too.  NYC! I've moved a lot...a lot. But I'm a NYC baby through and through. My mother is NYC born and raised, the grand-daughter of Jewish immigrants from Russia, Ukraine, Romania and Poland. They immigrated here around the turn of the last century to escape the anti-semitism in Europe. My great-grandmother and her sister dropped out of school in the 4th and 6th grades respectively to work in sweatshops in downtown Manhattan. My great-grandmother lived with her husband, sister, mother and two girls in the Bronx, near Yankee stadium in the 30s and 40s. Coincidentally in the building behind my current building. After moving about 31 times in my life, I'm now back in my personal old country. Her sister, pictured here, my great-great aunt Kay (or great-grand aunt?), stayed a "spinster" and became a milliner and had a store on 5th Ave. She had a ton of gorgeous photos, I just had to share. She was born in Russia and she used to teach me curses in Yiddish. My grandmother got married and moved to Queens and Long Island, Great Neck, where my mother was born and grew up. When my grandfather died, they moved to the upper west side, where my grandmother lived, as did my great-grandmother & great-grand aunt, until she passed in 2005. I had my great-grandmother and her sister in my life until I was 18-19. My mom got her first apartment a few blocks away on 93rd & Columbus, where I was born. Well, I was born at Lenox Hill, but that was her apartment at the time. My mother was originally an art history major but turned to linguistics and became and ESL teacher to be practical. That decision also enabled us to travel to Mexico when I was a child and why I speak Spanish. I have no Latina heritage. My mother now lives in Brooklyn.  My father is of West African (mostly), Native American and Chinese decent by way of the slave trade and grew up in North Carolina. The photo here is of his mother. Not sure what year it is, he was born in the 30s, the exact year is unknown. Our family there goes back more generations than we can track. He grew up very rural and came to NYC on his own at the age of 13 and lived on lower east side with an aunt and uncle. He too was leaving a hostile environment, the south in 1951. My father was a professional Karate fighter in his youth, and also a staple of the downtown Jazz scene. He knows and knew everyone. When I was really little, I thought Miles Davis was somehow my father. I'm named after a Miles Davis song. My father has traveled the world many times over and is now living in Manhattan. I'm his middle child, I have two sisters and two brothers from my fathers side, ages range from their 20s to 50s.
My stepfather is of Italian descent by way of Brooklyn. His grandfather remembered Brooklyn when it had farms. His family has been my family since I was 12 and I've enjoyed adding Italian culture, and really, really amazing food, to my family experience. After being born Manhattan, as a kid we moved to Port Jeff, Long Island, Tennessee (the Farm), Philly, Mexico- Pachuca, Hidalgo, time in Cuba and Columbia, Brooklyn, Portland, OR, back to Brooklyn. Then as an adult I've put years in all four of the boroughs except SI, also lived in Albuquerque, NM, Leesburg, VA, upstate NY: Claverack, Athens-Leeds, Coxsackie, and Hudson. I love travel and I have also been to France, Italy, Spain, Switzerland and Germany. Its funny how when I go away people think I am from there, but when I'm in my hometown of NYC, people ask me where I'm from! TENS machines are widely used across the pond to help women deal with labor pain. They are safe for most women* with no side effects when used properly. They don't eliminate the pain completely, but it helps a lot. What is it? Here's a description from BabyCenter's UK website:
I have completed training on the use of TENS in labor at Renew Physical Therapy with Elizabeth Isa Herrera MSPT, CSCS and Rachel Schneiderman, DPT, ATC. I can help you learn how to use your TENS and will make suggestions for placement on specific locations on your back. If you choose to incorporate a TENS machine into your birth tool kit, we can integrate it with your other coping techniques; such as directed breathing techniques, massage, positions, yoga, hypnobirthing, Bradley and more. If you choose to get an epidural, it can help you delay getting an epidural too early. While you don't use a TENS at the same time as an epidural, it may help a mom who wants pain medication delay the introduction of an epidural into her labor. The longer we can stall getting an epidural, the less chances you will experience the possible side effects, and/or you can minimize the side effects. *Please check with your provider if you can use a TENS machine before using one. This is my longest blog entry to date. This thought and the need to explain it kept me up till 4am writing it out. If shorter blog posts are more your speed, just scroll past this one as all the rest are quite short.
My greatest tool in my doula “tool box” is my ability to help you regulate your emotions. Regulation is our ability to maintain stress within a window of tolerance. Its often referred to as being calm, being connected, being present, essentially its when your body mind system is in a balanced state. When you are you are thinking clearly, you’re engaging, your interacting, because your stress is maintained within a window. We all have a window for how much stress we can handle. Once we eclipse that and our experience exceeds that window, we move into dysregulation. Commonly referred to as stressed out. When you are in a state of dysregulation, you feel irritable, withdrawn, depressed, defiant, aggressive, you can’t think clearly, your short term memory is repressed. Its the state of road rage, losing it, seeing red. We all vacillate between these two states all the time. With the right support and understanding, a person, and specifically a woman in labor, has the essential tools to regain a calm state of regulation. Labor can be an intensely stressful situation. Doula care is spefically intended to address the emotional needs of the laboring women to help her deal effectivly with the stress of labor. To work with her contractions, to work with however her birth unfolds, to help her have the birth experience she desires, and/or help her manage an unexpected labor that is far from what she had expected or hoped for, in a positive way. Stress is normal to experience during your birth. But balancing that stress with calm is a vital balance to help you adjust to the huge transitions of labor and delivery. Not finding the balance can be pathologically harmful. The abstract below addresses the effects of stress on the body’s ability to function. Chronic Stress, Immune Dysregulation, and Health In the past 40 years, a growing body of literature has shown that chronic psychological stress can lead to immune dysregulation. Notably, these stress-induced immune changes are large enough to be clinically relevant. Chronic stress has been associated with a state of chronic low-grade inflammation, delayed wound healing, poor responses to vaccine, and increased susceptibility to infectious illnesses. Activation of neuroendocrine and sympathetic systems provides physiological pathways linking stress and these immune outcomes. Behavioral changes under conditions of chronic stress also contribute to immune dysregulation. Behavioral and pharmacological interventions may attenuate stress-induced immune dysregulation. (Jean-Philippe Gouin, MA, MPs, Department of Behavioral Sciences, Rush University Medical Center, Chicago, Illinois http://ajl.sagepub.com/content/5/6/476.abstract) My role as your doula is to help you regain calm and return to regulation from state of dysregulation. To help someone find their calmness, you must first be calm within yourself. As a doula, a mother and a calm energy person, I stay in a deeply regulated state during your labor no matter how stressful the scene may be. I feel most calm when I am at births. Births regulate me (why? I don’t know, thats why its called a calling) and in turn, I get the privilege of helping to regulate you. In addition to bringing you my calm energy, there are additional tools to help you. These techniques interweave with hypobirthing and yoga birth and are essentially bringing about the same desired results. All of the effective childbirthing techniques are essentially just ways to practice the following principles. Regulating the environment. Dimming lights, hydrotherapy, selecting specific sounds, music, or just silence are some examples of how I help affect your environment to help support you. Also practicing and modeling a calm, slow speaking voice to partners and others present. Directed breathing techniques are an extremely effective tool in helping laboring women regain regulation. When you create that dynamic of breath, you can bring regulation back to your system. Touch is another amazing tool for regulation. Lymphatic massage is a very gentle type of massage therapy used to flow off redundant fluid from the body and build up the general performance of the lymphatic (immune) system. This type of massage is easy to learn and a great technique for partners to learn as well. It can be done on isolated body parts or on the entire body. This kind of massage helps to bring about the proper direction of the lymph flow. (Lymphatic massage definition from: http://www.yogawiz.com/massage-therapy/lymphatic-massage-techniques.html#continued). Counter pressure is a more intense form of massage. Counter pressure is the firm application of hands and/or other hard objects such as tennis balls, massagers, etc to help alleviate the intense pains of contractions. This is most often done on the sacrum, hips and buttucks. Positions Changing and suggestions positions can help a woman feel like she has choices. Some positions are for the comfort of the woman, some are for aiding progress, many of them overlap those two things. Choices in labor are a useful calming and empowering tool for her. Some positions can also bring the desired affect of centering, like child's pose. Childs pose helps a woman quiet down the outside and regain calm. It puts her in a power position with her body as well as being great for opening and widening the pelvic outlet. The next piece of helping a woman regain and keep regulation is hydration and nourishment. A women needs to be well hydrated yet not over hydrated. Dehydration will zap her energy and decrease the efficiency of her labor. Advanced dehydration is of course a very dangerous condition. Over hydration can have adverse affects as well. Beyond swelling, we don’t want to overly dilute her oxytocin either. For nourishment, I am carefully monitoring her emotions and labor progress, or lack thereof, for signs of deficiency in calories, protein, sugar, carbs and/or sodium. Preparing highly nutritious yet low volume foods that don’t require much chewing or effort to eat and beverages to the laboring woman whenever possible helps regulation and labor progress. Speaking up in the labor room and advocacy As your doula, I do not address your health care provider on your behalf. I cannot speak for you, nor do I desire too. My goal is for you to find your own voice. But why is it sometimes so hard for women (and many men) to find their voice? Why are doctors sometimes so intimidating? Beyond their medical expertise that may make some feel less confident to voice their opinion, there are stress hormones affecting our abilities to cope with and react to the environment as we would like to. When people don’t find their voice during their births, they can then have a sense of failure, regret and/or other negative emotions. This is not your fault or failure to be strong and assertive. It is our survival mechanism in the face of stress. The flight or flight response mechanism we all learned about, which yes inhibits oxytocin (hormone responsible for contractions) and can inhibit contractions, and then necessitate the need for augmentation, ie pitocin, is more complex than we used to understand. And stress has a different reaction in women than in men. Stress in women does necessarily not cause the “flight or fight” response we all learned about. More recent research has shown that when under stress, women “tend and befriend”. Tend and befriend is not standing up to authority. But she is protecting her young and herself. Women need to realize it is a normal response to stress and nothing to be ashamed of. " Human Stress Responses The human stress response coined, "fight or flight" by Walter Cannon in 1932 is a hormonal response characterized by the release of epinephrine and norepinephrine. This hormonal cascade is caused by the activation of the sympathetic autonomic nervous system in response to a potential threat or danger. These threats can range from a predator attack to natural disasters threatening the survival of the individual and species such as earthquakes, fire, or even flooding. Up until 1995, research investigating the fight-or-flight response had been done primarily with males, females only constituting 17% of the participants. Researchers have rationalized this inequality because of an inconsistency in the results obtained from female subjects due to fluctuations in hormone levels during menstruation cycles. Taylor et al. (2000) suggest that the primarily male based research may have caused many to overlook a unique female stress response which they term "tend-and-befriend." Taylor et al. (2000) argue that due to differences in parental investment, females may have evolved their own stress response in order to protect themselves while they were pregnant, nursing, or caring for offspring. The male fight-or-flight response would not have been advantageous to the survival of females and their offspring because often the female would either be unable to fight or flee during pregnancy, or unable to protect their young if they were nursing or taking care of their young. Evolutionarily the tend-and-befriend stress response in females would have been selected for and the fight-or-flight response would have been selected against in females. Unlike the fight-or-flight response which allows one to fight against a threat if overcoming the threat is likely or flee if overcoming the threat is unlikely, the tend-and-befriend response is characterized by tending to young in times of stress and befriending those around in times of stress to increase the likelihood of survival. Since a group is more likely than an individual to overcome a threat, this response is a protective mechanism for both the female and her offspring. Basically, befriending other females is inherently necessary for the protection of offspring since pregnancy and nursing make a female even more vulnerable to an outside threat. Forming a network not only allows the female to have added protection and help with the raising of offspring, but also serves to secure resources such as housing and food. Although the threats mentioned are assumed to be external to the female home environment, this female network also serves to protect the females from the males even within the home environment. Studies even show that females who emigrate and are unable to form a female network, characteristic of female befriending, are more likely to become victims of abuse than women who are able to form these ties (Taylor et al., 2000). " (Quote from: http://www.personalityresearch.org/papers/mccarthy.html) When women are with women, they are better able to manage the vulnerable state brought upon through the care for their offspring during and before birth. When women are under attack with their babies, they will try to deal the aggressor with kindness. It goes with the saying, ‘you can get more bees with honey’. And when you are in vulnerable state, such as having contractions, and if you are in a hospital with an incompatible staff to your expectations, and you maybe didn't have any other support, it might just be the wise decision in that moment to be nice to your care providers. So women should never feel like they failed if the didn’t stand up to a hostile person. They were surviving and protecting their young in a way that felt the most effective and safe. As your doula, I am your “other females” that help calm your nervous system from the “threat”. And that “threat” may not necessarily be your doctor. It could just be your pain of labor. Maybe the threat is that you are confused by what is being said in the room and I can put it into simple terms so that you have a genuine understanding of the options and you can make confident informed decisions. By taking away the feeling of threat, your nervous system can calm down and you can release your fear. When you release your fear you are not afraid to express yourself, you are not triggered to go into tend and befriend. You can speak up confidently without fear of attack to you or your baby. Expressing emotion Emotional issues, past and present, can be an additional challenge in labor. When you have fears and anxiety and you can express it in a healthy safe way, you can begin to let it go and move on. Simply put, it feels good to talk to a trusted friend about it. When you don’t have someone to express your feelings to, or you do have an ear but they don’t listen, understand or respect what you are expressing, it can make the feelings worse. A doula uniquely understands the stresses and emotions of labor, so that when a woman needs space to express them, we are appropriately acknowledging those emotions and fears and complaints. As your doula I am listening to you. It can be your stress of labor you need space to let go of, or it can be something else. It can body issues relating to food, abuse, losses. It can be a stressful family history, fears about becoming a mother, finances, fears about what this baby will do to your body, your relationship with your partner, your parents, and yourself. If a woman doesn’t have her fears and anxiety and feelings being heard, then the experience becomes trauma. When a woman feels heard, understood and respected, the pain may not disappear, but the fear and despair can begin to dissipate and no longer govern the experience. How the doctor/midwife work together with the doula We need a medical provider to safeguard the health and safety of the mother and the baby. Their mindset needs to be focused on maintaining that clinical safety while simultaneously looking out for pathology and treating it if detected. Some medical personnel work from a place of stress and fear. When caregivers have stress and fear, they are unable to help the laboring woman return to a regulated state herself. And sometimes that kind of stress and adrenaline is a useful emotion to make sure they can activate the needed parts of their brains to think clinically and quickly to keep the woman and baby safe. But that stress energy is only beneficial on that one level. On the one hand its helping them act quickly, but if it dysregulates the woman’s emotional state, it can worsen whatever the emergency is. Even if a woman needs an emergency c-section, she and her baby will have a better outcome if she remains calm. A doula is still helpful for the emotional and clinical outcomes in that scene because she can help the mother regain calm even if the rest of the room isn’t. Keeping her breathing and regulated is also keeping the baby regulated. Which is a much better state for them to enter surgery. And before any c-section is performed, the medical staff are first trying to avoid a c-section by various means depending on the situation. If the mother is regulated and therefore helping her baby to be regulated, there is a better chance that the medical interventions to avoid a c-section will be more effective and an c-section can hopefully be avoided altogether. Professionally trained doulas work very well with doctors and midwives complementing each other helping moms have better outcomes. Some women worry that their doula’s presence may make their doctor uncomfortable. That is only true if the doula doesn’t respect understood doula boundaries. The boundaries are not limiting to a doula, but actually help a doula. Defined along clinical lines, by excluding clinical tasks from the role of the doula, she can focus on the emotional and informational needs of the laboring woman. When done right, doctors and midwives love having doulas present. I enjoy working with obstetricians and midwives and have never had conflicts because I show them respect for their importance and role in the birth. I respect their medical expertise and responsibility and at the same time I am confident in my expertise in supporting the woman in the doula role. In addition, the doula and the obstetrician may sometimes have very little interaction at all because many are rarely present in the room until the end of the pushing stage. With this understanding of doula care and its effects on the emotional state of the laboring woman we can see how essential it is for better birth outcomes. Research has proven the benefits of doula care on birth outcomes: Numerous clinical studies have found that a doula’s presence at birth;
After births, women often tell me they were most appreciative of my calm presence during their births. It is this calmness that helps women regain control and awareness of self and body. It is this calmness, along with an in-depth understanding of birth and the needs of laboring women, that I bring to your birth. Your birth experience is something you will be replaying over in your head for the rest of your life. I am forever honored by every family who chooses to include me on their sacred passage into parenthood! |
 Maiysha Campbell
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